Recently, I had a 1:1 with God. The motivation was a piece about Bessel van der Kolk and Zomergasten that I published on BNNVARA, Joop in which I spoke about repressed traumas. That got me thinking about my very last detox round. Was detoxing still necessary, or did I already reach the finish line? 

Because as diligent as I am about personal growth and wanting to get to the bottom of trauma, I wanted to know if there was anything else I should look into. Had I already done all the inner work or not? I wanted to clean up the last energetic crumbs of the narcissistic nest of my upbringing, if they were still affecting my life today. Crumbs, actually droppings, which are not for the public debate. Because it is not my ambition to use them in a book.

With the utmost care and quite a bit of nerves, I prepared myself for an ayahuasca session to investigate this, six years after my first ayahuasca experience which was extremely long and somewhat heavy, but integrated an incredible amount of good into my life afterwards. A session in which I got answers to big life questions, in other words, the intentions I had set. A session in which even transgenerational matters became clear and unleashed. A session that brought me back to my sixteenth century self and that cleared that situation in the present.

For me, ayahuasca is a plant medicine or plant teacher if you will, with the greatest possible healing as the goal and as a result. A sacred plant that I deeply respect and take seriously, beyond the limitations and (systematic or financial) interests of the practitioners’ human nature. Centuries ago, ayahuasca was already the means of wisdom and magic. And the shamans were the real – mostly female – leaders of the world. How I wish for those politicians today to drink some good ayahuasca. That time will come.

The droppings weren’t that significant. There was nothing new that I needed to know. For those who know ayahuasca, I asked her when the flash scenes from my life would appear. She replied that they weren’t coming because everything had already been cleaned up. The trip was perfect. Sublime.

The intention of overall support and love that I had, brought me into a soft world of insights, in which everything I played with in my mind and heart was good. Ninety-five percent of the time, I had a big smile on my face and half the time, I was dancing on my mattress around God, in other words the Source – fluttering, grateful and full of devotion.

Above all, the journey was an immense celebration of all the hard inner work that I have done over the course of many years. The two beautiful ladies guiding the session told me about my clean aura. A pink field around me, as if being wrapped in a protective blanket of love. Until then, I didn’t know much about aura and believed in its existence, just as I believed in the existence of karma – doubting. There was no doubt during the experience of ayahuasca. Aura existed.

Dear God, why? Because it is. Why? Because it is. Why? Because it is. Why? Because it is… Because I have something else for you. Dear God, thank you.

For those who know ayahuasca, I could sometimes steer on the themes that were reviewed. But there was no control. Where did God come from? OK, it was my deepest soul level invitation. And what about aura? Being a freethinker could be combined with these revelations. It’s up to every generation to rediscover God, is the statement in Judaism, right? This freethinker has never lost God, despite the fierce criticism of religion made and sustained by ‘the beards’. Despite the droppings of religion. ‘Beyond religion’ as I heard in the lyrics of a beautiful song being played. Amen.

I decided to continue my journey on my own in the beautiful front part of the living room, a little further away from the rest of the group. The second half of the journey, I was like a Buddha. I know peace and joy, but never have I experienced so much peace and light, as if I was a Buddha, not even during meditation. I sat there upright on the couch near the window, full in the light and pink of myself.

Dear God, thank you. But I can only do it my way. That is also how it is supposed to be. That's what you're made for. I'm here. Always. I am staying. Always. You don't have to do anything to make that happen.

Dear God, how come I feel so close to you, the Source? How come I have an antenna for that? I'm here. Always. There is not a moment when I am not there. Dear God, thank you for the antenna. Dear ayahuasca, thank you for the connection.

Dear God, let me sit close to you for a moment. Let me stay there for a while. Let go of everything that is not meant for you so that you can be who you are. You have worked so hard. Now flutter slightly around. Let others laugh at or encourage you in life; it doesn't matter. Stay in your lane. Dear Source, thank you.

See you on the other side, I said to a few friends before entering the ayahuasca session. Completely on the other side is indeed the case; even over the hill. From now on, we will zoom in on pieces of light and use them for the greater good. “May all evil that might hold you back be kept from you,” fellow freethinker Oliver said to me. Amen. May that apply to all of you, with maybe an antenna that can be extended for a glimpse of God. Because let’s be honest, in essence, isn’t that the most, most beautiful thing to experience?