The Integrity Talks

Professionals choose mothers too quickly

The Integrity Talks

Professionals choose mothers too quickly. The Dutch police took a seven-month-old baby in Lelystad back to the police station after the parents, who were in conflict with each other, indicated that they no longer wanted to take care of their child. The Dutch organization VeiligThuis got involved. The baby was assigned to a new family. Then people reacted en masse to this message via social media. The reactions, however, underline how much we still look too much at the perspective of the parents, instead of the child.

The fact that there is an incredible amount of stupidity among humanity is a given. Yet sometimes I just can’t get my head around it, for example now. In Lelystad, a seven-month-old baby was taken back to the police station. The officers had visited the parents just before. The parents quarreled with each other (probably put very mildly), and indicated that they no longer wanted to take care of their very own child.

At least, if we have to believe the coverage of the community police officer via social media. However, the message was removed because the privacy of those involved in the case should have been guaranteed. And apparently a few details didn’t add up. Anyway, VeiligThuis was brought in, and the baby now has a new home.

Whether this message should have been shared is not for this article. In general, I think that as a society we should be able to follow these kinds of messages, precisely because we are appealing to everyone’s responsibility and humanity, to stand up for children much more. Because the abuses happen right under our noses. In our streets, not in a ghetto somewhere, or in the middle of nowhere.

Babies can end up in dumpsters in this country

The stupidity lies in the content of the massive reactions via social media. Reactions that not only came from the public, in other words society, but also from a whole list of ‘professionals’. Yes, professionals are deliberately placed in parentheses here. Because the content of their reactions shows how much they have stuck their heads into the sand, and want to sympathize with the parents rather than with innocent children. And damn, how innocent can a baby be?

It is exactly that mindset of compassion for those oh, so sad parents that allows babies to end up in dumpsters in this country. The mentality of: parents always want the best for their children, because that is just how nature works. A mentality that, until recently, preceded by decades of the mentality of: first there must be deaths, and only then can we take action. What prevention?

Listen, of course I turn on the situation in this article. To some extent, I understand that sane people in the public cannot comprehend such a situation. What healthy and Western people could really do, without having experienced anything themselves? But it becomes a problem when stupidity, whitewashing, and looking away take the upper hand. Because kids are ours! We all bear the collective responsibility for children (also for animals, and so on, but that is another topic)!

So, let those naive minds in our society take a good look at themselves. Let’s educate them, among other things, by the people who have gone through terrible things with their ‘relatives’, and are knowledgeable.

They can lose their license

Now, that is the public. It gets worse. All those ‘professionals’ who, among other things, will say that it is not the police’s task for the sake of making a living: oh well, stop your nonsensical and self-centered politics, procedures, and protocols. Rules exist to serve people, not the other way around. Rules don’t overrule humanity. Humanity means doing the right thing for the baby in such a situation, not for your purses, egos, or made-up systematic approaches. You ‘skilled’ bobos. Sometimes we need a little flexibility and stretch. For humanity.

For example, see these comments:

“I don’t think this is a task for the police. A family coach specialized in divorces and Nonviolent Communication could have immediately brought peace here.” [Plugs own services.]

[Answer from someone:] “What do you mean by a family coach? Are those people divorced? Who knows all about that at this point? We certainly don’t, so luckily the child is in good hands at the moment, thanks to the police!

This dialogue continues for a while, with the so-called, in this case irrelevant, ‘professional’ extensively displaying the stupidity.

And then this one:

“I feel for these parents. How hard do you have to (consciously or unconsciously) distance yourself from your baby? Whether it is temporary, or for the longer term, I hope that these parents find their way back to themselves, their parenthood, and their child.” [Only kumbaya is missing here…]

This is a reaction by a relevant ‘professional’ who is also looking for work. How is it possible that this person received licenses? It is not that it could possibly be wrong, but that it is incredibly short-sighted in terms of mindset.

That there are ‘professionals’ who react this way is a problem for the human lives that need to be supported, and that depend on them. Someone who cannot zoom out and look objectively and from different angles does not deserve to do this job.

Sure, in each industry there are too many bobos who lower the standards. But in this case, it is about human lives, generation after generation. Because that is how long these kinds of situations last. If those generations present themselves at all.

When the ‘professional’ in question then asked me what was wrong with the response, I was stunned. Apparently, the ‘professionals’ in the Netherlands are in a much worse condition than we think.

Again, it is not that the person in question could not be right about this. I already know that I have to repeat that, and that it is not going to land here and there because people want to hear what they want to hear. Fine. That we should not help people who are struggling and distraught.

Compassion is also needed towards perpetrators, as is a degree of judgmentless. Gosh, that is why I could never work in this domain. Judgmentless, for example towards parents who dare to throw babies in garbage containers in this country, is not for me. I prefer to shoot those people directly with a gun, so to speak. It is a good thing that I don’t have this right, or a gun, of course. And that other parts of my brain can keep me in check.

The point is that we still look too much at the perspective of the parents automatically, instead of the child. That is very bad.  

Here’s another automatic response:

“I assume that no parent will give their child to the police freely. The parents may have experienced that they are unable to take care of this baby in a good and loving manner. This decision must hurt them a lot, but they have chosen out of the best interest of the child.” [Oh yes, most certainly they will. Of course! Besides, emotions such as a lot of hurt? No. For example, have you ever heard of the dark triad? Gosh. Educate yourself.]

Only someone who is healthy and Western can come up with such a reaction. Someone who cannot comprehend that there actually exist parents who want and can do the worst to their own children. Sometimes, extremely thought through. Sometimes, indifferent. Sometimes, unaccountable. Sometimes, alone. Sometimes, with a network of wrongful co-perpetrators. You know, in those oh, so sweeeettttt, closed-up, religious systems.

What the hell are these ‘professionals’ talking about? Because there are ‘parents’ and ‘relatives’ who, because of psychopathy, harmful traditional practices, and honor, or whatever, are capable of the worst things. The motivation for those worst cases is extremely important, but secondary. The result remains the same.

Someone who calls him- or herself a ‘professional’ should know and consider all these different perspectives. Not only limited and colored perspectives of own privilege, and an immature frame of reference automatically. These are the ‘professionals’ that we need in this country. The rest may lose their licenses.

Blind spot among humanity

Well, of course, this is personal. I am not speaking from a triggered point-of-perspective here, but as an activist and whistleblower, I do speak from experience. As the child of a parent who was thoughtfully responsible for everything, but who, to the outside world, was such an oh, so sad, disabled woman, who could not hurt a fly? And everyone just kept showing compassion for that person, who eventually became worse than Hitler after I was nine. With a network. ‘Family members’ and closed-up, religious structures. Do you remember?

And I, who remained loyal as children always are, not even knowing half as much how I was drowning. Other than that, I screamed at the top of my lungs regularly, and asked for help, while doing the best that I could with the means I had. Help that was not adequately provided, so that I now have no children of my own in the long term (and, despite everything, I find resignation, depending on the mood of the day). No, I didn’t choose that. That was determined for me. ‘Me’ is a personality that embodies personal growth like no other, and has stood the test of time. And as a result of which, apparently, I still have to watch out for narcissists on my path while dating, due to the mental programming. I don’t get into a relationship that fast. That much is now clear.

The mentality of those oh, so sad parents causes misery. We should be over with that. Better and more honest are the deep and investigative questions on what could possibly really be going on. And again – yes, here we go again, for the very last time: there are many situations in which parents are really sad. Or shared with their children. Or a little bit sad. Well, my ‘relatives’ were pretty sad too. However, to continue down the same path because humanity is built in a certain manner is simply a false assumption. It is not a competition to be sad. It is a matter of a blind spot among humanity that we must get rid of.

As an activist and whistleblower, it is not my task to go ‘ssssswwwwweeeeeettttttt’ when I notice something that we need to do something about as a society. I am here to speak the truth, and to be a scale of where we stand. So, even though I obviously don’t know a lot about this case at all and therefore have no right to speak, I still want to say a symbolic indefinite chapeau to the police. Although the details are not known, and there may be a recovery between the child and the parents in the cards in some time. Who’s to say?

Acting now means preventing later. Preventing deaths, as we would say until recently in the context of domestic violence. Nothing domestic about it, by the way. Let’s get rid of that sympathetic weakening. We would also be surprised if we spoke of domestic tyranny, for example. That this little person bears the consequences of the start with these people, who we cannot call parents, for the rest of the life and beyond, generation after generation. If only this human had come out alive. Nothing but finally start to get it. Cheers police. You saved the next Gabriel Fernandez.

The Dutch version of this article was published by BNNVARA, Joop.